I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
