I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
