What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
