were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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