He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
