dude i'm inner monologue high
Come see our sink grown plant.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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