i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Randomize
