I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize