sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
