He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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