I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
