Define "chronic" masturbator.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
