you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize