It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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