the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
