She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
