Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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