Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
