I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
