She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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