I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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