Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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