i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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