who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
