Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
