Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You made out with two different species that night
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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