winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
