My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
no, he came in my armpit
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
