This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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