I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
