Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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