I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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