I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
