Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
