what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
