Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
