He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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