The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
