I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
