when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
