DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
