I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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