If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Randomize
