Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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