the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
