Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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