Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
