there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
