Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
