on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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