Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
