Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
