I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
