i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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