Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
