Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
