I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
