grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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