i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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