She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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