The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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