3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
