did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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