I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Randomize