he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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