How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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