It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
