the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize