Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
